An imagining and parody of a future Christmas when those who think that there is a "War on Christmas" stamp out everything that is not "Christ-like" in Christmas:
Memo
From the Office of Christmas Instructions
To All Citizens of the Land
Date: December 1, 2020
We have finally won the War on Christmas and achieved our goal of establishing a governmental post that oversees the official operation of how Christmas is to be celebrated in the United States of America. Since Christmas is the day when we celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, then we need to establish official guidelines as to how persons residing within the boundaries of the United States of America and its official territories may celebrate and/or observe Christmas. Listed below are the official rules that now oversee the celebration of Christmas. All persons residing in the United States of America and its official territories are required to obey these statutes or face the penalty of law:
1. We began this mission with replacing such lackluster greetings such as "Happy Holidays" and Season's Greetings" with "Merry Christmas". Businesses, Schools, Churches, and Governmental Offices are now required by law to say Merry Christmas during the time period from Thanksgiving Day until Christmas Day. Persons working it the public arena may not greet others with holiday greetings other than saying "Merry Christmas". Persons are to report to the authorities any person who uses a greeting other than "Merry Christmas."
2. Since Christmas is the birthday of Jesus Christ and not Santa Claus, then images of Santa Claus are not to be displayed in public. In addition, shopping centers, malls, and businesses may no longer have persons dressed as Santa Claus, deceiving children into thinking that such a person truly does exist. We all know that Santa Claus is a lie of commercialism invented to steal some of the glory from Jesus on his birthday. Advertisements that previously featured Santa Claus are now to have a Manger Scene with "Silent Night" playing in the background. Those persons who are normally featured in a Manger Scene (i.e., Shepherd, Wise Men, Mary, Joseph, and of course, Jesus) may now be used in advertisements that once featured Santa. Since Santa Claus can no longer be used in our nation, then other images featuring reindeer are no longer allowed either. No one wants to see reindeer flying about without a driver and Santa is the only figure that is associated with reindeer.
3. Radio Stations that play Christmas music continuously must play only religious music. Christmas carols shall be played from Thanksgiving Day through Christmas Day. Holiday music featuring sleigh rides, walking in snow covered fields, persons wishing others holiday greetings, building snow persons, etc are no longer acceptable. It is Jesus' birthday, not a time for persons to frolic in snow covered areas. Snow is our enemy, as is Santa, and we do not want to glamorize the harm that snow can do when one frolics in it. Our Christmas music will be pleasing to Jesus at the time of his birthday celebration.
4. Christmas Parties at schools and in office buildings shall be solemn remembrances with prayer and singing of Christmas carols. (See above for officially authorized music.) No drinking to excess with be allowed and persons will return to their homes at a decent hour and not be out and about being up to no good. (See rule about frolicking above.)
5. Christmas decorations shall be in good taste and feature images of Jesus and those whom we remember in the celebration of Christmas. No images of Santa, Reindeer, Elves, or other fictitious figures or storybook characters shall be used as a Christmas ornament. Using candles attached to trees is suggested rather than electric lighting so as to conserve energy. No blow up or light up figures shall be seen on lawns in front of homes or offices unless they feature Jesus or his entourage in some way. Jesus is the Reason for the Season and we must do all we can to emphasize that to others.
6. Persons of other faith traditions or no faith tradition, who insist on celebrating their own pagan rituals (after all we believe in freedom of religion in our country) may hold their celebrations in their homes or houses of worship as long as it does not pour out into the streets or countryside. Christianity is the official religion of our land (even though we tolerate others) and the one that we officially celebrate with festivities. Christmas is the official holiday celebrated in the winter and the one that we publicly acclaim.
If you have further suggestions as to how to make Christmas more meaningful to our Savior as he celebrates his birthday each year, please forward to this office and memos will follow to instruct the public in the correct and official way that the holiday may be celebrated.
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